


Where Do I Go From Here?

by hopeisananchor



Category: Lizzie Bennet Diaries
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-19
Updated: 2013-04-19
Packaged: 2017-12-08 22:45:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/766926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hopeisananchor/pseuds/hopeisananchor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It's okay. I'm used to looking out for myself anyway, no big."</p><p>Post-LBD end, first person. Lydia to her audience.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where Do I Go From Here?

Our days are numbered. Some of us die young; some of us live to see our grandchildren have children. I’ve always felt invincible, like the world couldn’t touch me. But I’ve also romanticized the notion of dying young. “Only the good” right? Ha, what a laugh that would be. Me. Good.

I never thought I’d seriously wish to be dead, though. But I did. Not for very long; I never realized any plans. Life just didn’t seem worth living anymore. What was the point? How can you come back from what happened to me?

What a funny thing it is to wish to be noticed and then have it come true.

_Be careful what you wish for._

Everyone got their happy ending: Lizzie, Jane, even Mary. But that’s okay. I never expected to have a happy ending. It’s unlikely I ever will. It really wouldn’t make sense, would it? Lydia Bennet and happy endings.

Love, romantic love, is such a weird thing. I’m scared to try and taste it again. I should have stuck to my rules, remained the carefree girl. Never given him a second thought. What was I thinking?

I was thinking… I was thinking he saw me, _really_ saw me. To my mother, I had always been lively and pretty, gathering enough attention from boys to guarantee a future marriage. To Jane, I was her little sister, someone to worry over. And Lizzie… I was a problem, got into too much trouble, would never “grow up.” But to _him_ , I was me. Good enough.

Is this what life is supposed to be? Mistakes and heartache and breaking to the point of nothingness? Pain?

And what now? Where do I go from here?

Counseling. Family dinners. Babysitting. Back to school. Trips to see Jane, Lizzie. Froyo with Mary. Normalcy.

Lizzie says I shouldn’t vlog anymore, but I don’t really understand why. Just because she’s stopped doesn’t mean I have to. I don’t want to do it for me, anymore. I don’t think she gets that. In the beginning, I just wanted to be famous or something. Silly. But… now? I feel like… I feel like I could help people. You know? I don’t know.

I watch the old videos sometimes, the ones from the beginning. I’m not that girl anymore, but I want to hold onto her. She’s all I’ve ever known. This world is big and scary; I realize that now. But you can’t be scared forever. _I_ can’t be scared forever.

I refuse to be tainted by my past. I’ll prove how strong I am.

There’s nothing shameful in who I was, who I am, or who I will be.

I’m just broken, for a little while. I’ll break again, I’m sure. A never ending circle.

Everything will be different now, though. I finally have Lizzie and Jane, even if at a distance. And Mary. Mary is here every day it seems. She helps keep my mind off the bad thoughts. Who knew such opposites could be so good for each other? I’d like to think she’s taken a piece of me, and I of her. She’ll always be here.

We’ve made plans to move in together. Our own small apartment. Just us two.

Maybe you’ll get to see it sometime, see Mary again. Lizzie ditched her camera at home. So.

That’s where I’m at now. Unsure, but sure.

I’ll keep going.

At least that’s the plan.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my second ever fan fiction piece. Ever. Like, ever ever.
> 
> I, by no means, know as much about Lydia as Rachel Kiley or Mary Kate Wiles, but this is my interpretation of her thoughts after Lizzie ends the diaries vlogs.
> 
> This is a stand alone piece. At least for now? I don't know. I'd love to explore more.
> 
> But, um, yeah. :)


End file.
